[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]
[ WATCH BEEPING ]
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
[ SHOES CREAK ]
>> WELL, THE FLOWERS ARE NICE.
>> Sure.
But the church is too big.
>> [ GASPS ]
Laura, cool it.
Is that...you know?
Do you think the -- the mother
will show up now?
>> No. No.
Poor thing. He's all alone.
>> [ BREATHES DEEPLY ]
[ ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING ]
>> THERE HE IS.
>> HE WAS HERE THE WHOLE TIME?
I ALMOST CALLED THE COPS.
DIDN'T YOU TELL HIM TO WAIT FOR
US?
>> DO WE HAVE TO CREATE A SCENE?
>> WHY NOT MAKE A SCENE?
OTHERWISE IT'S LIKE I'M NOT EVEN
THERE.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT?
JONAS IS GONNA BE IN A NURSING
HOME BY THE END OF THE WEEK.
MARK MY WORDS.
>> OHH.
>> KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ME, KID.
>> COME ON.
LET'S GO SIT DOWN.
COME ON. COME ON.
>> COUSIN DOESN'T LOOK THAT
STUPID.
>> HE'S PROBABLY THINKING THE
SAME THING ABOUT YOU.
>> COULD YOU PLEASE KEEP YOUR
VOICE DOWN?
>> WE'RE PRACTICALLY THE ONLY
ONES HERE.
>> ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.
SHUT UP OR WAIT IN THE CAR.
>> LUKE, DEAR.
>> ARE YOU OKAY?
[ ORGAN MUSIC INTENSIFIES ]
>> [ SIGHS ]
>> [ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
[ WHIMPERING ]
[ SCREAMING ]
SCREAMING DOESN'T ACCOMPLISH A
SINGLE THING.
MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE SOME
BLITHERING BOZO.
NOT GOOD.
>> WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING HERE?
IS THIS YOUR ROOM?
>> NO, GRANDPA.
WE'RE AT THE RELATIVES'.
>> WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE, LUKE?
>> IT'S PAST 9:00 P.M. GRANDPA.
WE'RE SLEEPING.
>> IF I WERE 25, I-I WOULDN'T BE
SLEEPING HERE.
[ LAUGHS ]
I'D BE OUT DRINKING AND SCREWING
AND RAISING HELL.
[ LAUGHS ]
>> IT'S NIGHTTIME, GRANDPA.
WE HAVE TO USE OUR INSIDE
VOICES.
>> DO YOU LIKE TO SCREW, BOY?
[ Laughing ] OH, I BET YOU DO.
[ LAUGHS ]
IT'S SO WONDERFUL.
[ LAUGHS ]
THIS BED IS SHIT.
[ GRUNTS ]
>> TOMORROW WILL BE A BEAUTIFUL
DAY.
BUT YOU NEED YOUR REST.
I'LL MAKE YOU PANCAKES AND EGGS
FOR BREAKFAST.
NOW GET SOME SLEEP.
>> [ SNORING ]
[ DOOR OPENS ]
[ FOOTSTEPS ]
>> YOU ARE NOT LISTENING!
>> I AM LISTENING TO YOU.
>> HE HAS LUNATIC FITS.
>> OH, COME ON.
>> I MEAN, GOD KNOWS WHAT OTHER
SICK BEHAVIORS -- I MEAN, PAUL,
WE NEED TO GET THEM PROPER CARE!
IT'S WHAT'S BEST!
>> WHAT, BEST FOR WHO?
FOR YOU?
THEY'RE FAMILY, CINDY!
THEY'RE FAMILY.
THEY'RE MY FAMILY.
THEY'RE OUR FAMILY.
>> YOU ARE NOT THE ONE WHO'S
GONNA BE STUCK WITH THEM ALL
DAY!
[ AIR HISSES ]
[ WATCH BEEPING ]
>> COMMERCIALS ARE...
OVER.
>> * THERE'S COMPANY AND
CONVERSATION *
* RECIPES AND NEW CREATIONS *
* WE'RE COOKIN' UP SOMETHING
GOOD HERE AT HOME * OMETHING
>> HELLO, FAMILY, AND WELCOME TO
OUR INDOOR MEMORIAL DAY...
>> LUKE?
LUKE, ARE YOU IN HERE?
>> EVERY TIME I PLAN A PICNIC
FOR OUTSIDE ON MEMORIAL DAY...
>> [ SIGHS ]
>> YES, I'M HERE.
>> AND BECAUSE YOU MAKE THEM,
YOU PUT IT TOGETHER, YOU'RE
DONE.
>> [ SIGHS ]
>> HOW MUCH PER POUND?
A WHOLE POUND?
>> CRUMBLE IT ALL UP...
>> SO YOU GAVE US QUITE A SCARE
THERE, LUKE.
[ CHUCKLES ]
>> THAT'S GRANDMA MAGGIE'S
CHAIR.
SHE WOULD NEVER ALLOW YOU TO SIT
IN IT.
IT'S NOT PROPER TO SIT IN
SOMEONE ELSE'S SEAT.
I WOULDN'T...
>> [ SIGHS ]
WE'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL MORNING
FOR YOU, YOU KNOW.
I'M MISSING WORK.
CINDY IS OUT OF HER --
>> GRANDPA JONAS SITS THERE.
THAT'S HIS SEAT.
HE DIDN'T LIKE WATCHING THE TV,
SO HE WOULD SIT IN THE CORNER,
AND HE WOULD WATCH US.
>> I GET IT.
>> YOU CAN'T SIT THERE BECAUSE
IT'S NOT YOUR CHAIR.
>> [ SIGHS ]
WHY WOULD YOU RUN OFF LIKE THAT?
HUH?
[ TELEVISION TURNS OFF ]
>> YOU'LL, UM -- YOU'LL COME
BACK WITH ME WHEN YOU'RE DONE
EATING, ALL RIGHT?
>> NO.
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "NO"?
>> SORRY.
>> YOU CAN'T STAY HERE.
I MEAN, THIS HOUSE IS UP FOR
SALE.
I THOUGHT WE GOT RID OF ALL YOUR
STUFF.
>> MY BED IS IN THE ATTIC.
I HAVE A NIGHT LAMP SO IT IS
NEVER DARK.
>> WE'LL GET YOU ANOTHER NIGHT
LIGHT, OKAY?
>> THIS IS WHERE I LIVE.
>> ALL RIGHT, I'M -- WHAT DO YOU
WANT TO DO?
HUH?
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
YOU WANT TO STAY HERE AND WATCH,
UH, UH, COOKING SHOWS FOR THE
REST OF YOUR LIFE?
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?
TALK TO ME.
BARGAIN WITH ME.
TELL ME SOMETHING.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>> [ SIGHS ]
I WANT TO GO OUT AND SCREW.
YES.
LIKE A BOY MY AGE.
>> [ SCOFFS ]
DO YOU -- DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT
THAT MEANS?
>> SO, HOW LONG WILL THEY BE
STAYING?
>> YOUR GRANDFATHER AND
COUSIN...
WILL BE STAYING AS LONG AS THEY
NEED TO.
>> BY EXECUTIVE DECISION.
>> THIS IS COMPLETE SHIT.
>> IT'S NOT SHIT, GRANDPA.
IT'S LASAGNA.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> IT'S JUST UNDERCOOKED...
AND HAS TOO MUCH CANNED TOMATO
SAUCE AND NOT ENOUGH FLOUR OR
CHEESE.
>> [ GROANS ]
>> BUT WE MUST BE GRATEFUL FOR
THE HOSPITALITY.
>> NO! NO, PAUL. NO.
I'M NOT WAITING FOR YOU TO TAKE
A DAY OFF.
I'M GOING TO SEE NURSING HOMES
RIGHT NOW.
YOUR FA-- YOUR FATHER GRABBED MY
ASS THIS MORNING, SLIPPED ME A
$20, AND ASKED ME TO...
GOD, I CAN'T EVEN SAY IT.
>> FLAT ASS.
SHE CAN'T EVEN COOK.
WHAT KIND OF WOMAN IS THAT?
>> VERY EASY TO SAY FROM THE
COMFORT OF YOUR OWN...
>> GRANDPA, I THINK WE NEED TO
BE QUIET NOW.
>> WHAT DOES IT MATTER, BOY?
I CAN'T GET IT UP.
IT'S DEAD.
WHAT A TRAGEDY.
>> OKAY, HAVE A NICE DAY!
OKAY, BYE!
OH, MY GOD!
>> AUNT CINDY, WE NEED TO STOP
AT THE NEAREST RESTROOM.
>> JUST HOLD IT.
WE'LL BE THERE IN 10.
>> PLEASE.
>> ON MY CAR?!
OH, I JUST HAD IT CLEANED!
>> [ GRUNTING ]
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
GODDAMN HELL!
IT'S OVER, BOY.
JUST LEAVE ME HERE.
I'M FINISHED!
>> [ SIGHS ]
I WILL HELP YOU, GRANDPA.
>> NO, NO, NO, NO.
YOU SHOULDN'T BE DOING THIS.
OH.
>> RELAX.
IT WAS ONLY AN ACCIDENT.
HAPPENS TO EVERYONE.
>> [ GRUNTING ]
>> NOW, JUST ONE LEG AT A TIME,
GRANDPA.
THAT'S RIGHT.
Shh. Shh.
[ SIGHS ]
COME ON, GRANDPA.
WE HAVE TO GO NOW.
>> I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
>> AUNT CINDY IS WAITING.
SHE'LL SCREAM.
>> I WANT A CIGARETTE.
>> GRANDMA SAID YOU COULDN'T
HAVE CIGARETTES.
THEY'LL GIVE YOU CANCERS, AND
THAT COULD MAKE YOU --
>> ARE YOU A CHILD OR ARE YOU A
MAN, BOY?!
YOU STOP YOUR DAMN WHINING!
YOU'RE NOT A COMPLETE MORON, YOU
KNOW!
YOUR GRANDMA'S NOT HERE ANYMORE,
SO YOU BETTER GET YOUR SHIT
TOGETHER LIKE ANYBODY ELSE!
LIKE A MAN!
>> SMELLS LIKE A URINAL!
OHH!
>> YOUR MOTHER'S REALLY
SOMETHING.
SHE BOUGHT EVERY CAR-LEATHER
CLEANER AND AIR PURIFIER THAT I
HAVE.
>> SHE'S MY AUNT CINDY.
MY MOTHER LEFT ME WHEN I WAS 4
AND DOESN'T WANT ME BACK.
>> CAN I HELP YOU?
>> YES, I WOULD LIKE SOME
CIGARETTES, PLEASE.
>> YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE THE
SMOKING TYPE.
THAT'S A NASTY HABIT.
YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?
>> YES, I KNOW VERY WELL THE
DANGERS OF SMOKING, BUT GRANDPA
WON'T COME OUT OF THE BATHROOM.
HE WANTS A CIGARETTE.
I TOLD HIM GRANDMA WOULD NOT
APPROVE, EVEN THOUGH SHE'S DEAD
AND BURIED, BUT HE TOLD ME TO
TELL YOU THAT I HAVE MONEY AND
I'M OVER 18, SO GIVE ME SOME
GODDAMN CIGARETTES.
>> EASY, OLD MAN.
NO HEART ATTACKS ON MY SHIFT,
OKAY.
>> [ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
PISS OFF.
INSOLENT KID.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
HEY, COME SIT DOWN, MAN.
WHAT ARE YOU, A LAMP POST?
COME HERE, MAN.
>> SAM.
YOU ARE A MAN.
DO YOU HAVE YOUR SHIT TOGETHER
LIKE ANYBODY ELSE?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
STUPID JOB, BUT IT PAYS THE
BILLS, RIGHT?
>> I DON'T HAVE A JOB.
>> ARE YOU LOOKING?
>> YES.
I CAN'T WATCH COOKING SHOWS FOR
THE REST OF MY LIFE.
I WANT TO SCREW.
>> YOU DEFINITELY GOT YOUR
PRIORITIES STRAIGHT.
WELL, YOU CAN DO SOMETHING,
RIGHT?
I MEAN, EVERYBODY CAN DO
SOMETHING.
WHO KNOWS?
ONE DAY, YOU MAY EVEN SCREW.
>> UNCLE PAUL SAYS I SHOULDN'T
THINK ABOUT SCREWING.
AND FOR SURE, NOT ASK AUNT CINDY
WHAT IT REALLY MEANS.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT?
I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU, MY
FRIEND.
THIS IS GOING TO TEACH YOU
EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW
ABOUT SCREWING.
STAY TRUE TO WHAT YOU
WANT...ALWAYS.
ALL RIGHT, I GOT A CUSTOMER, SO
I GOT TO GO.
BUT YOU TAKE CA-- YEAH, LOOK AT
THAT.
LOOK AT THAT RIGHT THERE.
THAT'S YOU!
>> YES.
OH.
>> WE HAVE LOVELY PICTURES
AROUND, ALL ALONG THE HALLWAY.
>> YES, YES.
>> CARPETING.
>> I-IT'S LIKE A HOTEL FOR OLD
PEOPLE.
>> YEAH, WE TRY TO MAKE IT A
UNIQUE AND RELAXING EXPERIENCE
FOR EVERYONE HERE.
>> ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS.
YOU HAVE A ROOM OPEN TODAY?
>> WE DO HAVE A ROOM AVAILABLE.
>> AND REPEAT.
AND ONE, AND TWO, AND THREE.
>> [ GROANS ]
PATHETIC.
>> YES.
>> LUKE, KEEP AN EYE ON THE
RELATIVES.
>> I'M GOING TO GET A JOB.
>> OH, THAT'S THE TICKET, BOY.
FIRST THE JOB...
THEN YOU FIND YOURSELF A NICE
GIRL.
GIRL WHO DOESN'T NAG, LIKES TO
TRAVEL AND --
>> SCREW.
>> LUKE, WHO TAUGHT YOU THAT
LANGUAGE?
"MAKE LOVE," SON.
THAT'S HOW YOU SAY IT.
>> OKAY.
>> YOU KNOW WHY YOUR MOTHER LEFT
YOU?
>> SHE WAS YOUNG.
>> AND STUPID.
SHE DIDN'T EVEN TELL US WHO YOUR
FATHER WAS.
PROBABLY SOME OTHER IDIOT KID.
IT'S TRUE.
YOU WERE A CRAZY CHILD.
I FELT LIKE DROWNING YOU IN THE
BATH MORE THAN ONCE.
LOOK AT YOU NOW.
YOU'RE A MAN.
WELL, ALMOST, ANYWAY.
[ SIGHS ]
I WON'T BE GETTING OUT OF HERE.
YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN, KID.
>> HEY, HOW ABOUT WE GIVE EACH
OTHER A LITTLE ALONE TIME?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
[ PEOPLE KISSING ]
>> BRAD!
>> LUKE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE WITH
MY MOM.
>> NO, I'M STANDING RIGHT HERE.
>> WHO IS THAT?
>> IT'S MY COUSIN.
YOU KNOW, THE ONE I TOLD YOU
ABOUT?
>> THE RETARD?
>> NO, HE'S NOT RETARDED,
EXACTLY.
HE'S AUTISTIC OR SOMETHING.
RIGHT, LUKE? AUTISTIC?
>> GRANDMA SAID THAT I DEFY
CLINICAL CATEGORIZATION.
I'M JUST AS SPECIAL AS ANYONE
ELSE, MAYBE EVEN A LITTLE BIT
MORE.
>> LISTEN, LUKE, YOU CANNOT TELL
MOM ABOUT THIS, ALL RIGHT?
SHE CAN BE A TOTAL BITCH
SOMETIMES.
JUST BE A LITTLE WHITE LIE, YOU
KNOW?
ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL
ON ME, RIGHT?
>> TELL WHAT?
>> OH. PRETTY SHARP, COUSIN.
HEY, UM, DO YOU WANT TO COME
CHILL WITH US FOR A WHILE?
>> UH...
>> YEAH, YEAH, GO SIT DOWN WITH
CHARLENE, AND I'LL GO GRAB SOME
BEER FROM MY DAD'S SECRET STASH.
>> [ SIGHS ]
SO, WANT TO SIT?
>> HMM?
>> [ LAUGHS ]
UM, SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR
GRANDMOTHER.
AND SORRY I CALLED YOU A...YOU
KNOW.
>> PEOPLE WHO CALL ME THAT ARE
IGNORANT FOOLS OR RETARDED
THEMSELVES.
I'M QUITE SMART.
I HAVE A HIGH-SCHOOL DIPLOMA AND
A CERTIFICATE FROM ADVANCED
COOKING TECHNIQUE BY MAIL.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
YOU'RE CUTE.
YOU KNOW THAT?
>> NO. I DID NOT.
I'M CUTE.
>> SO, LUKE...
HOW LONG WERE YOU WATCHING US?
>> THREE MINUTES?
>> SHOULD HAVE KEPT QUIET.
COULD HAVE LEARNED A THING OR
TWO.
>> MM, YES, I AM A FAST LEARNER.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
COULD YOU DO ME A HUGE FAVOR?
>> NO?
YES! YES.
>> COULD YOU PASS ME MY BRA?
IT'S RIGHT OVER THERE.
>> LUKE, ARE YOU TOUCHING MY
GIRLFRIEND?
>> YES. NO!
>> CHARLENE IS SMOKING-HOT,
ISN'T SHE?
>> DO YOU THINK I'M PRETTY?
>> YOU ARE VERY EASY ON THE
EYES.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> CHARLENE'S GOT THE BEST TITS
IN SCHOOL.
BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND YOUR OWN
HOT BITCH.
>> WHERE?
>> WHERE DO YOU FIND A GIRL?
>> MM, SMOKING-HOT BITCH LIKE
CHARLENE.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
I WAS JOKING.
BUT, I MEAN, I DON'T WANT TO PUT
YOU DOWN OR ANYTHING 'CAUSE
YOU'RE A NICE GUY.
BUT, UM, GIRLS, REALLY?
>> YES.
GIRLS. REALLY.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> MM.
[ FOOTSTEPS APPROACH ]
>> HI.
>> SO, DID THE NURSING HOME NOT
MEET YOUR EXPECTATIONS?
>> NO, IT WAS FINE.
IT WAS JUST FINE.
THANK YOU FOR SETTING IT UP,
OKAY?
>> PRAISE, INDEED.
OH, I FOUND BEN AND HIS LOVELY
GIRLFRIEND DRINKING WHEN I GOT
HOME, WITH LUKE.
>> WHAT?
>> YEAH, THEY GOT HIM DRUNK.
HE COULD BARELY SPEAK.
HE JUST KEPT STARING AT HER
TITS.
>> BAD BOY, LUKE.
[ SIZZLING ]
HMM...
[ SNIFFS ]
>> WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THESE?
CRACK?
>> JUST BUTTER AND LOVE.
>> COUSIN, I THINK YOU'RE OKAY,
SO I'M GONNA GIVE YOU THE HEADS
UP.
MY PARENTS ARE A BURNT TOAST
AWAY FROM KILLING EACH OTHER.
THINK BLOODY, NATIONAL EVENING
NEWS.
MOM IS ON HEAVY, HEAVY
ANTIDEPRESSANTS BUT IS STILL A
PSYCHO BITCH.
AND DAD, ALTHOUGH HE DOESN'T
SEEM IT, IS THE WORST OF ALL.
YOU'RE NOT SAFE HERE.
NONE OF US ARE.
>> COUSIN MEGAN...COULD I ASK
YOU A QUESTION?
>> SURE.
>> HOW CAN I FIND A JOB?
>> WELL, THERE'S MILLIONS OF
SITES FOR THAT ON THE INTERNET.
DON'T YOU HAVE A LAPTOP?
THE CLASSIFIEDS.
MY DAD STILL GETS THE LOCAL
NEWSPAPER.
HE'S SO BACKWARDS.
>> MM.
>> SEE?
HERE ARE THE JOBS.
HERE ARE THEIR NUMBERS.
SUPER-EASY.
EVEN A RETARD COULD DO IT.
SORRY.
>> MORNING, SWEETIE.
LUKE.
HI, HON.
HEY, BRAD.
WELL...
I, UH, I BEST, UM...
I BEST GET GOING.
YES.
>> HEY, LUKE, STILL IN ONE
PIECE, BUDDY?
I WAS AFRAID AFTER ALL THAT
CORRUPTION WE PUT YOU THROUGH --
>> WATCH IT, SMART ASS.
GET YOUR SHIT AND LET'S GO.
YOU READY, MEGAN?
>> NO, BUT THAT'S NEVER SEEMED
TO MATTER.
Thanks for the breakfast.
>> DID -- DID YOU COOK?
>> YES?
>> REALLY?
>> I WROTE UP THE HOUSE RULES
LAST NIGHT.
THEY ARE HERE.
THEY ARE SIMPLE AND SPECIFIC.
I'LL BE BACK AT 2:00.
PLEASE DON'T BURN DOWN THE
HOUSE.
>> NO BURNING. OKAY.
[ DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]
[ WATCH BEEPING ]
[ GROANS ]
[ BEEPING CONTINUES ]
ARLENE.
ARLENE CAN WAIT.
I NEED A JOB.
MM. MM.
>> "EASY JOBS PLACEMENT IS YOUR
ANSWER.
COME IN FOR A PERSONAL
INTERVIEW.
542 MAIN STREET.
DON'T WAIT."
LEFT ON 5th.
BREATHE.
NO RUNNING AWAY TO MAGGIE'S.
NO DRINKING BEER.
NO READING PORN.
ALL THE RULES ARE FOLLOWED, YES.
MM.
WALK FASTER.
AUNT CINDY GETS BACK AT
2:00 P.M.
BREATHE AGAIN.
NEXT LEFT.
>> YEAH, SO, APPARENTLY I'M NOT
GIRLFRIEND MATERIAL.
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.
YEAH, HE TOLD ME THAT, AND I WAS
LIKE, "I'M SORRY.
WHO'S THE ONE LIVING AT HOME
WITH HIS MOTHER, UNEMPLOYED?"
[ LAUGHS ]
YEAH, SO, THAT'S KIND OF OVER.
I'M GONNA CALL YOU BACK, OKAY?
[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]
CAN I HELP YOU?
>> YES. YOU MUST.
IT TOOK ME 52 MINUTES TO GET
HERE, AND I HAVE TO BE BACK
BEFORE MY --
>> DO YOU HAVE BUSINESS HERE, OR
DID SOMEBODY TIP YOU OFF ABOUT
MY TITS, AND YOU THOUGHT YOU'D
JUST COME TAKE A PEEK?
>> I NEED A JOB.
>> OH.
WELL, YOU CAME TO THE RIGHT
PLACE, THEN, 'CAUSE FINDING
PEEPING-TOMS JOBS IS ALL WE DO
HERE.
>> MY NAME IS NOT TOM.
IT'S LUKE.
>> OKAY, LUKE.
UM, HAVE A SEAT AND FILL THIS
OUT.
I'LL CALL YOU WHEN OUR NEXT JOB
COUNSELOR'S READY.
[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]
>> EASY JOBS. THIS IS MARIA.
UH, I'M NOT TOTALLY SURE THAT
SHE'S IN TODAY.
CAN YOU HOLD FOR ONE SECOND?
YEAH, IT'LL JUST BE ONE SEC.
DID YOU FORGET SOMETHING?
>> MARIA, DO YOU NOT NAG AND
LIKE TO TRAVEL?
I'M LOOKING FOR A FEMALE WITH
THOSE SPECIFICATIONS.
>> DON'T YOU THINK WE SHOULD
FIND YOU A JOB BEFORE YOU START
ASKING ME OUT ON DATES?
>> YES.
ONE STEP AT A TIME.
FIRST THE JOB.
>> RIGHT.
UH, SHE'S ACTUALLY OUT OF THE
OFFICE TODAY.
I CAN TRANSFER YOU TO HER VOICE
MAIL.
GREAT.
>> "FIRST NAME" -- LUKE.
[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]
>> I SEE YOU GRADUATED FROM HIGH
SCHOOL LAST YEAR.
MAY I ASK WHAT TOOK SO LONG?
>> YES, YOU MAY.
>> WHAT TOOK SO LONG?
>> GRANDMA MAGGIE SAID THAT
THERE WAS NO RUSH AND I SHOULD
GO AT MY OWN SPECIAL PACE.
SHE ALSO GOT SICK AND HAD
TROUBLE TEACHING ME BIOLOGY AND
ALGEBRA.
I DIDN'T HAVE THAT MUCH TROUBLE,
JUST HER.
I GOT A CLASS RING THAT SAYS
"HOPE HIGH," BUT THE SCHOOL THAT
ACTUALLY SENT THE TEST WAS
CALLED ADULT LEARNING CENTER.
>> LUKE.
I DON'T THINK I CAN HELP YOU.
YOU SEE, YOU'VE GOT NO PREVIOUS
EXPERIENCE, NO REFERENCES, NO
HIGHER EDUCATION OR VOCATIONAL
TRAINING, NO COMPUTER SKILLS OR
LANGUAGES.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
>> I CAN COOK.
GRANDMA MAGGIE TAUGHT ME 23 OF
HER FAVORITE DINNER ENTRéES,
INCLUDING BREAKFAST.
NO DESSERTS YET.
AND --
>> OKAY. OKAY.
LOOK...
I KNOW A GUY YOU SHOULD MEET.
>> OH, LATE.
ALMOST LATE.
[ WATCH BEEPING ]
I'M GONNA GET IT.
2:00 P.M.
LUKE, FIVE BLOCKS, TWO MINUTES.
YOU CAN DO IT.
[ SIREN CHIRPING ]
>> LET ME GUESS.
YOU'RE LUKE, AREN'T YOU?
>> YES.
>> WE'VE BEEN LOOKING AROUND FOR
YOU.
WHERE YOU BEEN, SON?
>> EASY JOBS IN DOWNTOWN.
I'M GOING TO GET A JOB AT
SMILES, BUT I DIDN'T GO THERE
YET BECAUSE AUNT CINDY GETS BACK
AT 2:00 P.M.
>> I THINK SHE GOT HOME EARLY,
LUKE.
>> WE HAVE A BIG PROBLEM.
>> WHATEVER.
COME ON.
GET IN THE CAR, AND I'LL GIVE
YOU A RIDE HOME.
LUKE. COME ON. GET IN THE CAR.
>> "SMILES.
INDEPENDENT LIVING AND SUPPORT
OF EMPLOYMENT FOR SPECIAL
PEOPLE."
[ DOOR SLAMS ]
>> WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE GOING
ON IN THAT UNDERDEVELOPED MIND
OF YOURS?!
YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE FINDING A
JOB?!
TAKING BUSES AROUND TOWN?!
GOD!
LUKE!
[ LAUGHS ]
LUKE, WHERE ARE YOU?
>> I'M RIGHT HERE.
>> WAS I NOT CLEAR IN MY
INSTRUCTIONS?
>> BACK AT 2:00 P.M.
THAT'S WHAT IT SAID.
>> MY MANICURIST CANCELED.
CAN I NOT COME HOME WHENEVER I
FEEL LIKE IT?
>> I FOLLOWED ALL OF THE
INSTRUCTIONS THAT YOU --
>> NO, NO, NO, YOU DIDN'T, AND
YOU KNOW IT.
GOD, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
AM I SUPPOSED TO LOCK YOU UP?
I MEAN, IS THAT WHAT MAGGIE DID?
DID SHE LOCK YOU UP SO YOU
DIDN'T RUN AROUND DOING STUPID
SHIT?
>> NO!
GRANDMA WOULD NEVER LOCK THE
DOOR!
NO!
THAT'S A LIE!
THAT'S BAD! BAD!
GRANDMA WAS GOOD.
NO SCREAMING.
[ WATER TRICKLING ]
>> [ SIGHS ]
HEY, UM, LUKE?
I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT,
OKAY?
>> I WASN'T DOING STUPID SHIT.
I'M A GROWN BOY -- A MAN.
I WANTED TO GET A JOB AT SMILES.
IF I HAVE A JOB, I CAN LIVE BY
MYSELF.
I WON'T NEED PROPER CARE, A
RESIDENTIAL FACILITY.
I DON'T WANT SOMEONE SCREAMING.
SCREAMING IS BAD.
I PROMISED MARIA I WOULD VISIT
WHEN I HAVE A JOB.
I WANT TO SEE HER BREASTS AGAIN.
>> [ SCOFFS ]
[ SIGHS ]
>> AUNT CINDY, IS THIS AN
EMERGENCY?
>> [ LAUGHS, SNIFFLES ]
MM, MAYBE, HONEY.
>> SHALL I CALL UNCLE PAUL ON
HIS MOBILE?
>> NO, NO.
LET'S, UM...
LET'S JUST WAIT A MINUTE.
[ DOOR OPENS ]
COME HERE.
AND DON'T TELL ME YOU DON'T
DRINK.
LUKE, I WON'T HURT YOU.
OR SCREAM.
I PROMISE.
OKAY.
SIT!
DRINK.
>> [ GASPS ]
>> DO YOU THINK I'M A BITCH?
THE MANICURIST CANCELED ON ME
TODAY BECAUSE SHE SAID I WAS A
BITCH, AND SHE DIDN'T WANT TO DO
MY NAILS, "NO MO'."
AND NOW OFFICER SMART-ASS TELLS
ME I HAVE TO CHILL OUT AND GIVE
YOU SOME SPACE.
DOES EVERYONE THINK I'M A BITCH?
>> BRAD SAID YOU WERE A TOTAL
BITCH.
MEGAN SAYS YOU'RE A PSYCHO B--
>> OKAY, THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
I THINK I'M A BITCH, TOO.
>> I SCREAM SOMETIMES.
I SHOULDN'T, BUT I DO.
[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]
BREATHING HELPS. AND PANCAKES.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
I LOVE PANCAKES.
GIVE ME THAT PIECE OF PAPER
YOU'RE HIDING.
DON'T THINK I DIDN'T SEE IT.
COME ON.
SMILES.
WHAT A WONDERFUL NAME.
>> YES.
>> I DON'T PRETEND TO
UNDERSTAND YOU, BUT IT'S GOOD TO
HAVE DREAMS.
DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE YOU TO
THIS SMILES PLACE?
>> THAT WOULD BE VERY
ACCEPTABLE.
>> LUKE...
UM, YOU DON'T NEED TO LEAVE.
NOT YET, AT LEAST, AND THE THING
IS I DON'T WANT YOU MENTIONING
ANY OF THIS TO YOUR
UNCLE PAUL -- ANY OF IT, REALLY.
HE'S GETTING TIRED OF ME.
HE HASN'T TOUCHED ME SINCE,
UM...
[ Voice breaking ] I JUST...
I DON'T THINK I COULD HANDLE A
DIVORCE.
[ SNIFFLES ]
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
>> OKAY.
YEAH.
WE SHOULD TALK MORE OFTEN.
>> MR. NICHOLS?
LUKE IS HERE.
>> LUCAS!
[ LAUGHS ]
>> MY NAME IS LUKE.
>> AH.
CHLOE TELLS US THAT BOBBY SENT
YOU TO US.
IS THAT RIGHT?
>> YES, BOBBY SAID YOU COULD GET
ME A JOB.
I CAN'T LIVE BY MYSELF YET.
I HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL
AUNT CINDY SAYS THAT UNCLE PAUL
HAS TOUCHED HER.
>> UH, WE'LL COME BACK TO THIS
LATER.
I SEE YOU WERE HOME-SCHOOLED.
IS THAT RIGHT?
>> YES.
MY GRANDMA TOOK ME OUT OF THE
SPECIAL SCHOOL BECAUSE THEY WERE
TREATING ME LIKE AN IDIOT.
>> LUCAS, ALL THIS IS AMAZING.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS
WE SHOULD KNOW ABOUT?
FOR EXAMPLE, UH, CAN YOU
MULTIPLY BIG NUMBERS, LIKE 999
BY 999?
OR MEMORIZE ENTIRE BOOKS?
>> I CAN COOK BREAKFAST AND 23
DIFFERENT DINNER ENTRéES.
NO DESSERTS YET.
>> YES, YES, YES.
OF COURSE.
UH, THAT'S GREAT.
THAT'S GREAT.
AND NOW YOU, UH -- YOU WANT A
JOB, IS THAT RIGHT?
>> YES.
I'VE TOLD YOU THAT THREE TIMES
NOW.
AND I TOLD CHLOE THAT 33 MINUTES
AGO.
I WANT TO BE INDEPENDENT AND
LIVE MY OWN LIFE.
I NEED A JOB URGENTLY SO I CAN
ASK MARIA OUT ON A DATE.
>> SINCE WHEN DO YOU COOK SOUP,
MOM?
>> LUKE COOKED IT, DIDN'T HE?
>> NO, LUKE DIDN'T COOK IT.
>> EITHER LUKE COOKED IT, OR YOU
FORCED THE CLEANING LADY TO COOK
AGAIN.
>> YEAH, DON'T LIE TO US.
WE'RE NOT DUMB.
>> THIS IS ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD.
YOU REALLY COOKED THIS?
>> LUKE, WOULD YOU PLEASE TELL
MY LOVING FAMILY WHO COOKED THIS
DELICIOUS MEAL?
>> AUNT CINDY COOKED THE SOUP.
IT'S FROM SEASON 3, EPISODE 9 --
"MEDITERRANEAN MASTERPIECES."
I CAN COOK IT BETTER.
IT HAS TOO MUCH SALT.
>> THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
>> I KNEW YOU COOKED IT.
I WAS JUST, UH --
>> OH, SHUT UP.
>> [ CLEARS THROAT ]
>> SO, LUKE, YOU FIND A
GIRLFRIEND YET?
>> THAT'S NOT FUNNY, BRAD.
HE'S BEEN HOME ALL DAY.
>> I FOUND A GIRL.
>> WHAT?
>> YOU DID?
HE DID?
>> I WAS MEANING TO TELL YOU,
PAUL.
>> HER NAME IS MARIA.
>> WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?
>> LUKE IS GONNA TRAIN FOR A
JOB.
>> FROM THE CLASSIFIEDS, LIKE I
TOLD YOU?
>> WAIT, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TOLD
HIM TO GET A JOB?
>> DOING WHAT?
AND -- AND HOW IS HE GETTING
AROUND?
>> I TOOK THE BUS.
I FOLLOWED THE RULES.
>> HONEY.
WHERE WERE YOU IN ALL OF THIS?
GETTING A MANICURE?
>> I ALREADY DEALT WITH IT,
PAUL.
>> WAIT, WAIT, DOES SHE HAVE BIG
TITS?
>> Both: BRAD!
>> WHAT? IT'S A VALID QUESTION.
>> MARIA HAS VERY ACCEPTABLE
BREASTS.
>> COUSIN LUKE, I HOPE YOU
DIDN'T FIND THIS MARIA FROM THE
CLASSIFIEDS.
GIRLS WHO POST IN THE
CLASSIFIEDS USUALLY WANT MONEY.
>> OKAY, THAT'S -- THAT'S QUITE
ENOUGH OF THAT.
>> MARIA'S NOT A SLUT LIKE
CHARLENE.
I WILL ASK HER OUT ON A DATE AS
SOON AS I HAVE A REAL PAYING
JOB.
AUNT CINDY, COULD I HAVE SOME
MORE SOUP, PLEASE?
>> IT'S MY PLEASURE, LUKE.
>> I STILL DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
>> WANT ME TO GO IN THERE WITH
YOU?
>> MM, THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY.
>> YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS,
LUKE?
>> YES.
I NEED A JOB.
>> OH, YOU KEEP SAYING THAT, BUT
I DON'T GET IT.
YOU NEVER WANTED A JOB BEFORE,
WHEN YOU WERE WITH MAGGIE.
WHY DO YOU SUDDENLY WANT ONE
NOW?
>> UNCLE PAUL, IT IS GOOD THAT I
HAVE DREAMS.
>> YEAH, I GUESS, BUT, UH...
I HAD DREAMS ONCE.
SEEMS LIKE A LIFETIME AGO.
[ SIGHS ]
NOW IT'S JUST...I DON'T KNOW
WHAT IT IS.
I KNOW I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING,
SHOWER, GET DRESSED, GO TO WORK,
WORK, EAT, WORK SOME MORE, COME
HOME, EAT, GET UNDRESSED, GO TO
SLEEP.
THEN I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING,
AND I START THE WHOLE THING ALL
OVER AGAIN.
[ WATCH BEEPING ]
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH
ME.
>> YOU'RE NOT A VERY GOOD
LISTENER, BUT THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'LL COOK YOU SOMETHING NICE FOR
DINNER TONIGHT.
THAT'LL MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER.
>> THANK YOU, LUKE.
>> UNCLE PAUL.
>> OH.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
HEY, LUKE.
GOOD LUCK.
[ TELEPHONES RINGING ]
>> 59 MINUTES LATE.
NOT GOOD. NOT NICE.
[ WATCH BEEPING ]
>> LET ME GUESS. YOU'RE LUKE.
DO YOU TALK?
>> YES, I SPEAK VERY WELL.
>> THAT'S A SHAME.
I GOT ALONG VERY WELL WITH THE
LAST RETARD FROM SMILES.
HE DIDN'T SAY A SINGLE WORD.
IT WAS HEAVEN.
>> I AM NOT RETARDED, AND PEOPLE
WHO CALL ME THAT ARE --
>> I KNOW THAT!
AND IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE A PAPER
BAG OVER YOUR HEAD, YOU'D
REALIZE I WAS USING IRONY AND
FIGURES OF SPEECH!
BUT YOU PROBABLY THOUGHT I MEANT
"PAPER BAG" LITERALLY, DIDN'T
YOU?
YOU CAN RELAX.
YOU'LL FIND YOUR COUNTLESS
LIMITATIONS ARE ALL KNOWN TO ME.
I HAVE VERY LOW EXPECTATIONS.
>> I AM VERY SMART.
AND I'M HERE TO TRAIN FOR A JOB.
WHERE'S MY SMILES TRAINER WHO
WILL TEST MY ABILITIES?
>> NONE OF THE SMILES TRAINERS
COME HERE ANYMORE.
YOU'RE ALL ALONE, AND IF YOU
HAVEN'T FIGURED IT OUT YET, I'M
YOUR SUPERVISOR.
MY NAME IS ZACK -- NEVER
ZACHARY.
I RUN THE I.T. DEPARTMENT.
AND I OWN YOUR ASS!
DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT SHAKING
MY HAND!
TO THE DUNGEON, HALF-WIT!
[ TELEPHONES RINGING ]
YOU'RE SHARP, LUKE.
I'VE HAD MANY SMILES KIDS JUST
STAND THERE ALL MORNING AFTER I
SAID THAT.
YOU SHOULD TRY USING FIGURES OF
SPEECH AND IRONY AS MUCH AS
POSSIBLE.
THEY'RE NECESSARY IF YOU'RE TO
LIVE IN THIS WORLD.
HUMANITY IS EVIL.
>> OKAY.
>> DO YOU KNOW WHAT I DO WHEN
THE PEOPLE NOISE GETS SO BAD
THAT I WANT TO SCREAM?
>> NO. HOW WOULD I KNOW THAT?
>> STOP BEING SUCH A
NOISE-MAKER, YOU HUMAN!
[ RINGING CONTINUES ]
WHAT I DID BACK THERE WAS NOT
APPROPRIATE.
IT SHOWED LACK OF SELF-CONTROL
AND POOR JUDGMENT.
YOU DON'T EVER DO IT,
UNDERSTAND?
>> YES.
SCREAMING IS VERY BAD, I KNOW.
>> THE ONLY REASON I GOT AWAY
WITH IT IS BECAUSE MY FATHER
OWNS THIS COMPANY.
IF YOU WERE TO DO SOMETHING LIKE
THAT, YOU WOULD BE ESCORTED FROM
THE BUILDING BY SECURITY.
IT'S HAPPENED BEFORE.
>> I SHOULD START MY TRAINING
NOW, YES.
>> TRAINING.
AAAAAAAAAAH!
MY FATHER HAD THE WALLS
SOUNDPROOFED.
>> I am breathing.
>> I'M GLAD YOU SHOW SOME
HIGHER FUNCTION, LUKE.
UNFORTUNATELY, THE TASKS YOU'LL
BE PERFORMING ARE WORTHY OF A
PRESCHOOL DIPLOMA.
YOU'LL BE SORTING AND DELIVERING
SNAIL MAIL, FILING THOUSANDS OF
BULLSHIT CUSTOMER REPORTS, AND
MAKING COFFEE, IF THE
SECRETARIES DON'T THINK YOU'RE A
HEALTH HAZARD.
SO DON'T LET THEM CATCH YOU
PICKING YOUR NOSE OR DROOLING.
>> I MAKE GOOD COFFEE AND 23
DIFFERENT DINNER ENTRéES,
INCLUDING BREAKFAST --
>> WOW!
YOU'RE A REGULAR HOUSEWIFE.
LET'S GET MARRIED.
I DON'T CARE!
AND I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU
ANYMORE.
GET YOUR ASS TO WORK!
>> I HAVE NOT YET RECEIVED
PROPER INSTRUCTION ON HOW TO
SORT AND DELIVER SNAIL MAIL,
FILE BULLSHIT REPORTS, AND WHERE
IS THE COFFEE MACHINE LOCATED?
>> DO I LOOK LIKE I'M ABOUT TO
BE HELPFUL?
>> MM, NO.
>> GET OUT OF HERE!
[ TELEPHONES RINGING ]
>> AH, YOU MUST BE THE NEW
IDIOT.
YOU BETTER HURRY UP WITH THAT
MAIL.
>> I'M LUKE.
I'M NOT THE NEW IDIOT.
>> DID ZACK SEND YOU DOWN HERE
BY YOURSELF?
HE JUST THINKS EVERYTHING
REVOLVES AROUND HIS DARK LITTLE
WORLD.
YOU KIDS NEED ADULT SUPERVISION.
>> I'M NOT A KID, AND I HAVE NOT
BEEN TRAINED IN THE PROPER
PROCEDURE TO SORT THE SNAIL
MAIL.
THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.
>> OKAY, LISTEN CAREFULLY,
BECAUSE I DON'T REPEAT MYSELF
FOR ANYONE.
YOU PICK UP THE MAIL, YOU SEE
WHO IT'S ADDRESSED TO, AND YOU
PUT IT IN THE CORRESPONDING BIN.
THE DEPARTMENT CHART IS DIRECTLY
ACROSS FROM YOU.
THE RED CART GOES TO THE SOUTH
WING.
THE BLUE CART GOES TO THE NORTH
WING, AND THEN YOU WALK AROUND
AND YOU LOOK AT THE NAMES ON
PEOPLE'S DESKS AND GIVE THEM
THEIR GODDAMN MAIL!
[ TELEPHONES RINGING ]
>> YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT TO DO
WITH ALL THE MAIL EVERYBODY
KEEPS GIVING YOU.
>> YES.
>> AND YOU DON'T WANT TO ASK
ANGRY BETSY BY THE MAIL ROOM.
>> YES.
>> SO YOU COME TO ME FOR
ANSWERS.
>> YES.
YOU ARE MY SUPERVISOR.
YOU OWN MY ASS.
>> I SEE YOU TOOK THE MAIL.
THAT SHOWS INITIATIVE.
I HAD THIS SMILES GIRL ONCE WHO
STARTED HITTING PEOPLE THAT
TRIED TO GIVE HER PACKAGES, AND
THEN ANOTHER KID WHO TOOK THEM,
BUT THEN THREW THEM IN THE
TRASH.
I GUESS I'D CONCEDE I'M NOT THE
BEST SUPERVISOR, BUT --
>> YOU TALK TOO MUCH, ZACK!
I STILL HAVE THE BLUE CART TO
DELIVER, AND AT MY CURRENT
SPEED, IT WILL TAKE ME ALL
MORNING TO FINISH.
AND WHAT ABOUT THE BULLSHIT
REPORTS AND COFFEE?
I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE
PACKAGES URGENTLY.
I CAN ONLY STAY UNTIL 1:00 P.M.
SINCE I'M NOT A PAID EMPLOYEE.
DON'T SCREAM, PLEASE.
>> YOU CAN LEAVE ALL THE
OUTGOING MAIL IN THE WHITE BAG
BY THE POSTAGE METER IN THE MAIL
ROOM.
YOU'RE NOT QUALIFIED TO OPERATE
MACHINERY.
>> THANK YOU.
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>> TRYING TO LEAVE, BUT I CAN'T.
>> I MEAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT
THIS STUPID COMPANY, TRAINING
FOR THIS STUPID JOB?
DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S YOUR PURPOSE
TO SOCIETY?
DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU'RE ALIVE,
LUKE?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S YOUR
PURPOSE.
YOU'RE HERE TO MAKE PEOPLE FEEL
SORRY FOR YOU.
YOU'RE HERE TO REMIND PEOPLE
WHAT A SAD WORLD WE LIVE IN
WHERE SOMEBODY LIKE YOU CAN BE
BORN.
YOU'RE HERE AS A LIVING,
BREATHING, STINKING EXAMPLE OF
EVERYTHING THEY DON'T WANT FOR
THEMSELVES.
AND NO AMOUNT OF RUSHING TO
FINISH YOUR CHORES IS GONNA
CHANGE THAT OR MAKE IT BETTER.
[ KEYBOARD CLACKING ]
>> NO.
>> DID YOU SAY "NO"?
>> I'M HERE TO TRAIN FOR A JOB
SO I CAN ASK MARIA OUT ON A
DATE.
AND UNCLE PAUL DOESN'T KNOW IT
YET, BUT SOMEDAY I'M GOING TO
LIVE BY MYSELF...AND SCREW, YES.
>> [ SCOFFS ]
>> GO STRAIGHT HOME, LUKE.
PLEASE.
[ BELL DINGS ]
>> HEY.
MOST GUYS WOULD HAVE WAITED AT
LEAST A WEEK BEFORE MAKING A
SECOND APPEARANCE.
>> MARIA, I'M IN TRAINING AT
Click&Easy.
>> HMM, I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE
NERDY TYPE.
HEY, THAT'S A GREAT COMPANY.
I ACTUALLY APPLIED TO TEMP THERE
BEFORE I ENDED UP HERE, SO...
UH...
IS THAT ALL YOU WANTED TO TELL
ME?
>> YES, THAT'S ALL.
I WILL NOT MENTION YOUR BREASTS
AGAIN UNTIL OUR DATE WHEN I HAVE
A JOB.
RIGHT NOW I MUST CONCENTRATE ON
SNAIL MAIL, FILING BULLSHIT
REPORTS, COFFEE --
>> LUKE.
WHAT IF I SAY NO?
I MEAN, YOU'RE -- YOU'RE CUTE
AND ALL, BUT MAYBE I'M LOOKING
FOR SOMETHING DIFFERENT IN A
GUY.
>> [ CLEARS THROAT ]
[ SEA GULLS SQUAWKING ]
>> MARIA CAN'T SAY NO.
>> TOUGH DAY, HUH?
>> YES. VERY TOUGH.
>> TRY GETTING MARRIED AND
HAVING KIDS.
[ CHUCKLES ]
JONAS IS, UM, NOT DOING TOO
WELL.
THEY CALL ME AT WORK.
I HAVE TO GO SEE THE DOCTOR AT
THE HOME.
>> I NEED TO SEE GRANDPA BEFORE
HE IS DEAD.
>> YEAH. YEAH, I DO, TOO.
>> GRANDPA, I CAN'T JUST FIGURE
IT OUT.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME WHAT TO
DO, OKAY?
PLEASE WAKE UP.
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
>> I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER SEEN
HIM THIS WAY.
HE SEEMS SO -- SO CALM.
>> HE'S NOT SNORING.
>> HUH?
>> GRANDPA SNORES LIKE A WILD
HOG.
HE'S NOT SLEEPING WELL.
HE'S NOT CALM.
>> WANT TO SIT? SIT.
DO HE EVER MENTION ME MUCH?
>> GRANDPA CALLED ME PAUL WHEN
HE COULDN'T FIND ME IN THE
HOUSE -- ALWAYS.
>> OH, YEAH?
>> YES.
>> HUH.
BOY, WAS HE PISSED WHEN YOU
FIRST SHOWED UP.
NEVER FORGAVE YOUR MOTHER FOR
DUMPING YOU ON HIS DOORSTEP.
I GUESS NONE OF US DID.
SHE ONLY CAME BACK ONCE TO VISIT
YOU, WHEN YOU WERE ABOUT 6 OR 7,
I THINK.
REMEMBER THAT?
I ALWAYS KNEW I'D BE LOOKING
AFTER YOU SOMEDAY.
I JUST DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD BE
THIS SOON.
I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T
UNDERSTAND ANYTHING.
LUKE.
YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID TO ME WHEN
I CAME BY TO VISIT HIM THE OTHER
DAY?
HE SAID, "HEY, BOY.
MEN DON'T WHINE.
THEY JUST GO OUT AND GET IT
DONE, PERIOD."
[ WHIRRING ]
>> YOU REALIZE YOU'RE THE FIRST
SMILES INTERN I ALLOW TO USE THE
POSTAGE METER?
THIS IS VERY UNLIKE ME.
IS SOMETHING GOING ON?
WHAT, YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK
TODAY?
[ INHALES SHARPLY ]
>> AAH!
>> [ LAUGHS ]
GOT YOU, RETARD!
>> I AM NOT A RETARD.
I'VE TOLD YOU THAT ALREADY.
PEOPLE WHO CALL ME THAT --
>> WHATEVER.
YOU CAN'T SCREAM IN HERE,
ANYWAY.
THE WALLS AREN'T SOUNDPROOF.
SO WHAT HAPPENED?
SOMEBODY SHUFFLE AROUND YOUR
BASEBALL-CARD COLLECTION?
>> GRANDPA TOLD ME TO JUST
FIGURE IT OUT, BE A MAN.
BUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I GET A
JOB AND MARIA SAYS NO TO A DATE?
IT'S NOT ACCEPTABLE.
I HAVE TO GET MY SHIT TOGETHER
FAST.
THINK, LUKE.
THINK.
[ WHIRRING ]
>> IT'S ALWAYS THOSE WOMEN,
ISN'T IT?
>> YES, VERY MUCH SO.
>> EVERY PROBLEM HAS A RATIONAL
SOLUTION, LUKE, EVEN WOMEN.
YOU MET HER AT SMILES, RIGHT?
>> MARIA WORKS AT EASY JOBS.
SHE ANSWERS THE PHONES.
>> DID YOU FALL FOR AN N.T.?
>> MARIA IS A NICE GIRL WITH
PRETTY BREASTS.
DO NOT USE FIGURES OF SPEECH ON
HER.
>> "N.T." -- NEUROLOGICALLY
TYPICAL.
SHE'S NORMAL.
DOES SHE KNOW YOU'RE A RETARD?
>> I AM NOT A RETARD, AND I'VE
TOLD YOU --
[ MUFFLED SHOUTING ]
>> Shh!
Luke, you are very special, but
if Betsy hears us screaming in
the mail room, my father will
kick us both out.
He forced me to become a Smiles
supervisor because he thinks
it'll build character, but he
knows what a miserable failure I
am.
I can't stay home with my mother
all day.
I will die.
Don't you see, Luke?
We're alike, you and I,
practically kissing cousins.
>> [ WHIMPERS ]
>> LUKE.
Luke.
I'm not normal, either.
Do you understand?
I'm nowhere near as dumb as you,
but undeniably different.
Can I show you something?
It'll open your eyes.
Are you ready, Luke?
DO YOU SEE THOSE TWO N.T.s BY
THE WATER COOLER?
THEY'RE CHATTING.
IT'S THE FIRST STEP.
I'VE STUDIED N.T. MATING RITUALS
EXTENSIVELY.
HERE, SHE'LL SAY SOMETHING
STUPID, AND HE'LL SAY SOMETHING
STUPID IN RETURN.
BUT THAT SOMETHING HAS TO HAVE
DIRECT RELATION TO WHAT SHE
ORIGINALLY SAID.
AND THERE'S A TRICK.
EVEN THOUGH HE MIGHT NOT BE
INTERESTED IN WHAT SHE'S TALKING
ABOUT, HE HAS TO PRETEND.
THIS IS TRANSMITTED BY HIS TONE
OF VOICE, WHICH HAS TO BE FULL
OF HUNDREDS OF TINY
FLUCTUATIONS, AND ESPECIALLY BY
EYE CONTACT.
LOOK IN HIS EYES, LUKE.
HE'S STARING DIRECTLY AT HERS.
>> HMM.
>> BUT WAIT.
HE LOOKS AWAY.
'CAUSE IF HE STARES TOO LONG, HE
CAN BE SEEN AS THREATENING, AND
IF HE DOESN'T STARE LONG ENOUGH,
HE DOESN'T SEEM INTERESTED.
IT'S A CAREFUL BALANCE.
SEE, THERE, HE LOOKS BACK AGAIN.
>> HMM.
>> THIS CAN GO ON FOR HOURS.
AND THROUGH THE WHOLE ORDEAL,
THEY HAVE TO MOVE THEIR HANDS
AROUND AND ALL THESE SILLY
GESTURES, WHICH ARE ACTUALLY NOT
SILLY AT ALL, BUT AN INTEGRAL
PART OF THE
NON-VERBAL-COMMUNICATION
PACKAGE.
N.T.s NEED TO FIGURE OUT IF
THEY'RE COMPATIBLE WITH EACH
OTHER -- WORTHY MATES.
DO YOU SEE, LUKE?
DO YOU SEE?
>> YES.
I DO.
[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]
>> DOES SHE REMIND YOU OF
ANYONE?
>> SHE DOESN'T LOOK NORMAL.
>> THIS IS A SCIENTIFIC
INSTRUMENT.
THIS IS A HUMAN SIMULATOR.
IT'S MY MASTERPIECE.
IT'S NOT SOME SILLY CARTOON.
>> MM, LOOK OUT.
SHE'S LOOKING AT ME.
>> CAMERA ON TOP OF THE MONITOR
IS RECORDING YOU.
MY PROPRIETARY SOFTWARE'S
ANALYZING YOUR PAINFUL EXCUSE
FOR FACIAL EXPRESSIONS, AND
SHE'S REACTING IN TURN.
>> SHE DOESN'T LIKE ME.
>> RELAX YOUR FACE. RELAX.
N.T.s NEED CONSTANT FEEDBACK IN
THE FORM OF OVERTLY APPARENT
EMOTIONAL SIGNAGE.
IF YOU DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT OR
SMILE AT THEM OR MODULATE YOUR
VOICE TO MAKE IT SOUND PRETTY TO
LISTEN TO, THEN THEY THINK
YOU'RE A FREAK, PLAIN AND
SIMPLE.
[ COMPUTER BEEPING ]
I PROGRAMMED HER TO BE A BITCH
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE UP
AGAINST.
I WENT AFTER AN N.T. ONCE.
>> YOU CAN HELP ME.
>> I MADE THIS PROGRAM BASED ON
THAT N.T.
I THOUGHT IF...
IF I PRETENDED TO BE NORMAL,
THEN SHE WOULD LIKE ME.
AND SHE DIDN'T.
>> YOU PRETENDED TO BE NORMAL.
>> LUKE, YOU'RE A SMART KID.
I CAN TEACH YOU ALL THE COMPUTER
SHIT YOU WOULD NEED TO GET A
DECENT JOB ANYWHERE.
YOU AND ME -- WE'RE NOT THE SAME
SPECIES.
WE'RE NOT PART OF THEIR SOCIETY.
[ COMPUTER BEEPING ]
YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT.
OTHERWISE, THERE'S NOTHING BUT
PAIN -- HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE PAIN.
>> I WANT TO GET MY SHIT
TOGETHER LIKE ANYBODY ELSE.
HELP ME, ZACK.
I WANT TO BE A MAN.
>> I'M TAKING YOU ON AS A CASE
STUDY.
BUT I'M RUNNING IT
SCIENTIFICALLY, AND YOU CANNOT
QUESTION MY METHODS.
GOT IT?
>> I ACCEPT.
WHEN CAN WE START?
>> LUKE, HOW WAS, UM...
HOW WAS WORK TODAY?
>> WORK WAS OKAY.
THANK YOU FOR ASKING.
>> YOU'RE VERY WELCOME.
>> I BET YOU'RE HAPPY THAT THEY
LET YOU STAY UNTIL 5:00 LIKE A
NORMAL WORKER.
>> I AM NORMAL, COUSIN MEGAN.
>> MEGAN.
>> YEAH.
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S NOT NORMAL.
>> I MEAN LIKE ANYBODY ELSE.
YOU MUST BE LEARNING A LOT,
RIGHT?
>> YES, COUSIN, I'M LEARNING A
LOT, INDEED.
>> LUKE, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT
WHAT YOU'RE LEARNING, MAN.
YOU GOT TO FIGURE OUT SOMETHING
SO YOU CAN COME HOME IN TIME TO
COOK.
OH, I'M SORRY.
TEACH MY MOM HOW.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT? SCREW YOU ALL.
I ACTUALLY TRIED, OKAY?
[ SIGHS ]
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I HAVE MORE
POTATOES AND VEGETABLES IN THE
FRIDGE AND TWO POUNDS OF
TENDERLOIN.
HOW LONG WOULD IT TAKE YOU?
>> IT WILL TAKE ME 23 MINUTES
WITH YOUR KIND ASSISTANCE,
AUNT CINDY.
BY THE WAY, ISN'T IT A BEAUTIFUL
DAY TODAY?
[ TELEPHONES RINGING ]
I'M READY, ZACK.
>> JUST LEAVE IT AND GO!
>> NICE SHOES, ANGRY BETSY.
>> WHAT DID YOU SAY?
>> I SAID YOU HAVE NICE SHOES ON
TODAY.
THEY LOOK VERY COMFORTABLE.
I WANTED TO KEEP MY SHOES THAT
LONG, BUT GRANDMA SAID THAT I
LOOKED LIKE A COMMON TRAMP AND
COULDN'T BE SEEN WITH HER
ANYMORE.
BUT I BET THEY DON'T MAKE YOUR
LITTLE TOE HURT AT ALL.
>> NO. NO, THEY DON'T.
>> THERE.
>> YOU PASSED YOUR FIRST
REAL-WORLD TEST.
PURE LUCK, IN MY OPINION.
I WANT YOU TO CLOCK IN MORE TIME
ON THE N.T. SIMULATOR.
I'VE ADDED VOICE-RECOGNITION
SOFTWARE.
>> ZACK, SHE IS NOT REAL.
MARIA.
HOW?!
>> HOW MANY MARIAS WORKING AT
EASY JOBS IN THE CITY DO YOU
THINK THERE ARE?
>> YOU MET MARIA?
>> NO, LUKE, I DON'T VENTURE
UNNECESSARILY INTO PUBLIC.
JOSE, THE NIGHT JANITOR -- HE
FILLED OUT A JOB APPLICATION AND
TOOK HER PHOTO.
BY THE WAY, HE SAID SHE HAD
REALLY NICE CHI-CHIS.
SO AS N.T.s GO, YOU PICKED A
GOOD ONE.
JOSE IS A CONNOISSEUR.
[ COMPUTER CHIRPING ]
DON'T GET TOO EXCITED.
I TURNED THE BITCH FACTOR DOWN
TO HALF.
>> THIS IS VERY ACCEPTABLE,
ZACK.
>> YOU KNOW YOU'LL NEVER REALLY
BE NORMAL, RIGHT?
YOU KNOW THIS IS ALL ABOUT
PRETENDING.
YOU HAVE LESS THAN ONE IN A
BILLION CHANCE OF NOT MAKING A
FOOL OF YOURSELF.
>> THEN I WILL PRACTICE A LOT.
[ UTENSILS CLANGING ]
>> LUKE. LUKE, HOW LONG DO I
BOIL THE CARROTS AGAIN?
>> THE CARROTS ARE NOT TO BE
COOKED SEPARATELY.
THEY ARE TO BE PLACED IN THE
ROASTING PAN WITH THE POTATOES
AND ONIONS.
>> RIGHT. SHIT.
>> AUNT CINDY, ARE YOU SURE YOU
DON'T WANT MY CLOSE SUPERVISION?
>> I'M NOT AN IDIOT, LUKE.
I CAN FOLLOW SIMPLE
INSTRUCTIONS.
>> HELLO, NICE TO SEE YOU.
>> OH, HI.
I READ THAT ONE LAST YEAR.
MY GUIDANCE COUNSELOR GAVE IT TO
ME BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT I DIDN'T
HAVE ENOUGH FRIENDS.
>> DID IT HELP?
>> NO.
[ UTENSILS CLANGING ]
>> WHAT HELPS?
>> NOTHING, REALLY.
SOME THINGS JUST SUCK.
>> MM.
>> AND THEN THEY DON'T.
>> AH.
>> AND THEN THEY JUST SUCK
AGAIN.
I HAVEN'T READ THAT ONE.
CAN'T COMMENT.
HEY, I FOUND SOMETHING.
IT'S AN OLD VIDEOTAPE.
IT HAS YOUR NAME ON IT.
YOU WANT TO SEE IT?
I CAN'T BELIEVE I GOT IT
WORKING.
THIS CAMERA'S FROM THE '90s OR
SOMETHING.
YOU CAN SIT IF YOU WANT.
IS THAT YOU?
>> YES.
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
>> PLAYING...
>> [ BUZZING ]
>> ...IN GRANDMA MAGGIE'S
GARDEN.
I DON'T HAVE SHOES ON.
IT FEELS NICE.
>> LUKE, COME BACK.
COME BACK RIGHT NOW.
>> [ GROANS ]
>> COME HERE, LUKE.
COME. COME.
>> [ TALKING INDISTINCTLY ]
>> TURN IT OFF.
I TURNED THE CHICKEN HALFWAY
THROUGH, SO IT'S GOLDEN-BROWN
NOW.
I THINK IT'S DONE.
I TOOK IT OUT.
AND I PUT THE BROWN RICE ON, SO
IT WILL BE FRESH FOR DINNER.
AND I DID EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID.
I DIDN'T USE TOO MUCH WATER --
TWO TO ONE.
EXACTLY.
>> IS THE CHICKEN SKIN CRISPY?
IT HAS TO MAKE A SOUND WHEN YOU
POKE IT.
>> I DON'T THINK IT'S CRISPY
LIKE THAT, LUKE.
>> IT'S NOT READY, THEN.
THE MIDDLE IS PINK AND SHOULD
NOT BE EATEN.
SOMEONE COULD GET VERY SICK.
>> GREAT.
[ SIGHS ]
>> I WILL FIX THE CHICKEN.
[ PAN SIZZLING ]
[ CHICKEN CRACKLES ]
NOW IT'S DONE.
>> OKAY.
OKAY.
PAUL TOLD ME NOT TO MENTION IT,
BUT I HAVE TO TELL YOU -- I
THINK YOUR MOTHER IS A WHORE OF
A PERSON.
>> IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING
NICE TO SAY, YOU SHOULDN'T SAY
ANYTHING AT ALL.
>> YES, I KNOW, LUKE.
I'M SORRY.
AT LEAST I DIDN'T SWEAR, RIGHT?
>> MM.
>> YOU KNOW, WE WENT TO SEE HER
AFTER MAGGIE DIED TO SEE IF
SHE'D TAKE YOU, AND I SHOULD
HAVE PUNCHED HER IN HER STUPID
FACE FOR HOW SHE'S TREATED YOU.
[ Laughing ] SORRY.
I DID IT AGAIN.
>> GRANDMA MAGGIE SAID THAT
SARA LOVED ME IN HER OWN WAY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT WAY THAT IS.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU SHOULD SHOW UP AND MAKE A
SCENE -- SCREAM AND BREAK SHIT
AND GO ALL AUTISTIC ON HER.
THAT'S WHAT I'D DO.
>> I WANT TO SEE SARA.
>> I GUESS YOU'RE DECIDING WHAT
TO DO WITH YOUR OWN LIFE NOW,
ANYWAY, HUH?
YOUR MOTHER WORKS AT THE JEWELRY
STORE AT THE MALL.
Good luck.
>> NOW THAT WE'VE SELECTED AN
APPROPRIATE TEST SUBJECT, I
THINK THE MOST IMPORTANT THING
IS GONNA BE GETTING PERSONAL.
AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT, YOU
KNOW, WHAT STUPID SHOES ARE YOU
WEARING -- I MEAN INTIMATE.
SO YOU'LL HAVE TO ACTUALLY ASK
QUESTIONS AND ENGAGE IN
CONVERSATION.
WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT
YOUR APPEARANCE -- YOUR SHOES,
YOUR SHIRT, YOUR HAIR, YOUR
FACE.
LUKE!
>> NO SCREAMING, PLEASE.
>> I TOLD YOU.
I WOULD REQUIRE COMPLETE
DEDICATION!
DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR NEXT
ASSIGNMENT?!
>> I KNOW MY NEXT ASSIGNMENT,
ZACK.
>> OH, NOW YOU'RE THE EXPERT.
SUDDENLY, AFTER READING ONLY TWO
SELF-HELP BOOKS, YOU KNOW MORE.
I'VE SORTED THROUGH HUNDREDS OF
PERSONNEL FILES TO SELECT A
PERFECT SCIENTIFIC COMPANION FOR
YOU!
>> ZACK, YOU'RE A GOOD PERSON,
AND YOU'RE DOING A VERY GOOD
JOB, BUT I NEED TO DO SOMETHING
FIRST.
YOU CAN HELP ME, ZACK.
>> WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU HAVE IN
MIND?
>> YOUR FRIEND DOESN'T GET OUT
MUCH, DOES HE?
>> ZACK PREFERS TO AVOID HUMANS,
ESPECIALLY NEUROLOGICALLY
TYPICALS IN SOCIAL SETTINGS, BUT
TODAY HIS SCIENTIFIC CURIOSITY
HAS GOTTEN THE BETTER OF HIM.
BY THE WAY, ISN'T IT A BEAUTIFUL
DAY TODAY?
>> YES, IT IS.
>> WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH
YOU?!
THIS ISN'T JUST YOUR DISORDER!
THIS IS YOU!
YOU'RE A CERTIFIABLE
MORON-IDIOT!
I COULD HAVE DONE BETTER PICKING
A CAPUCHIN MONKEY FOR MY STUDY.
A MONKEY I COULD UNDERSTAND, BUT
YOU --
>> NO SCREAMING IN THE MALL,
ZACK, OR THE JEWELRY STORE.
IT'S NOT ACCEPTABLE.
PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
>> DON'T YOU SEE?
THIS WILL RUIN EVERYTHING.
THIS WILL NOT BE ACCEPTABLE.
THIS WILL SET US BACK.
IT WILL SET YOU BACK.
>> HELLO, MY NAME IS LUKE.
ISN'T IT A BEAUTIFUL DAY TODAY?
>> IT'S A SHIT DAY, LUKE!
YOU JUST DON'T REALIZE IT.
YOU CAN'T SMELL THE STINK.
I AGREE THAT THIS BENCH HAS A
STRANGE SMELL, BUT IN MY
EXPERIENCE, BAD SMELLS USUALLY
PASS.
AND BATHING HELPS, ZACK.
>> TAKE OFF THOSE STUPID
GLASSES.
THEY MAKE YOU LOOK WAY TOO
SMART.
>> THE LADY AT THE STORE SAID
THEY MADE ME LOOK SEXY.
>> THEY DON'T MAKE YOU LOOK
SEXY.
YOU DON'T LOOK SEXY.
YOU NEVER LOOK SEXY, SO DON'T
EVEN TRY.
>> SHE SAID THEY MADE ME LOOK
SEXY WITHOUT EVEN TRYING.
[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]
I'M READY, ZACK.
[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]
>> SIR?
SIR?
CAN I HELP YOU FIND SOMETHING?
>> NO. I'M BUSY...LOOKING AT
THIS NECKLACE.
>> WELL, UM, LET ME KNOW IF YOU
NEED ANY HELP.
I'M JOHN.
>> MM.
WHERE ARE YOU?
>> WHERE IS SARA?
SHE WAS RIGHT THERE, AND...
>> WAS SHE HELPING YOU?
I'M SORRY, UM, MAYBE I CAN HELP?
COME ON.
I BET YOU'RE LOOKING FOR
SOMETHING FOR THAT SPECIAL
SOMEONE, RIGHT?
MY MOTHER IS GREAT AT PICKING
OUT THE PERFECT GIFT.
>> YES, I WAS GOING TO ASK SARA
TO HELP ME FIND A PRESENT FOR
M--
SARA IS YOUR MOTHER.
>> THIS, YEAH, IS THE FAMILY
BUSINESS.
SIR.
I KNOW I'M YOUNG, BUT YOU LET ME
IN ON HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO
SPEND, WHAT'S THE OCCASION, AND
I CAN GUARANTEE YOU THAT
TOGETHER, WE'LL FIND THAT
SPECIAL SOMETHING.
THERE'S NO NEED TO BE NERVOUS.
>> YOU ARE SO TALL.
>> OR YOU COULD WAIT FOR MY
MOTHER.
SHE'LL BE BACK FROM HER BREAK IN
30 MINUTES.
>> MM.
YES.
30 MINUTES.
YOU WILL HELP ME FIND EARRINGS
FOR MARIA...SARA'S SON.
>> OKAY. PERFECT.
UM, WELL, UH, WE HAVE THIS
PIECE.
THEY'RE GORGEOUS.
UM...
>> LUKE! LUKE! LUKE!
YOU GAVE IT YOUR BEST SHOT, BUT
NOW YOU NEED TO ADMIT DEFEAT AND
RETREAT.
YOU'RE NOT PREPARED FOR A
NON-JEWELRY-STORE INTERACTION.
I'M CANCELING THE FIELD TEST.
I'M IN CHARGE, REMEMBER?
I'M LEAVING, LUKE.
I WON'T BE PART OF THIS MADNESS.
>> YOU CAN LEAVE.
I'LL GET HOME BY MYSELF.
>> DON'T YOU SEE HOW STRESSED
OUT I AM?!
>> YES, BUT THAT'S NOT MY
CONCERN RIGHT NOW.
THERE SHE IS.
>> DON'T DO THIS.
I'M -- I WON'T STAY.
I'M -- I'M GOING HOME.
>> OKAY.
>> [ SIGHS ]
[ DOOR HINGES CREAK ]
[ SEA GULLS CALLING ]
>> [ BREATHES DEEPLY ]
>> HI, THERE.
>> HELLO...THERE.
>> UM, I WAS JUST LEAVING.
DO YOU WANT TO SIT HERE?
>> OH, YOU SHOULD NOT LEAVE.
ISN'T IT A BEAUTIFUL DAY TODAY?
>> KIND OF WINDY.
DO YOU WANT TO JOIN --
>> CAN I SIT DOWN?
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> YOU REMIND ME OF MY SON.
HE'S SHY...BUT CUTE.
>> I HAVE MADE HIS ACQUAINTANCE.
>> YOU SHOPPED IN MY STORE.
I KNEW YOU LOOKED FAMILIAR.
>> JOHN WAS NICE.
>> YES.
I'M PROUD OF HIM.
YOU'RE NERVOUS.
I CAN TELL.
IT'S AN IMPORTANT DAY, ISN'T IT?
>> CAN I -- CAN I SEE WHAT YOU
BOUGHT?
[ CHUCKLES ]
SHE MUST BE VERY SPECIAL.
WE HAVE SIMILAR TASTES.
I WOULDN'T BE NERVOUS.
I THINK YOU'LL BE VERY HAPPY
WITH THOSE EARRINGS.
>> THAT WOULD BE VERY NICE.
I NEED ALL THE HELP I CAN GET
WITH MARIA.
>> HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN HER?
>> WE'VE SPOKEN ON TWO
OCCASIONS, AND I THINK SHE'S
VERY NICE AND WILL LIKE TO
TRAVEL.
>> YOU'VE NEVER DATED.
>> I HAVE TO GET A JOB FIRST.
I'M WORKING ON THAT.
ARE YOU HAPPY, SARA?
I DON'T LIKE TO ANSWER THAT
QUESTION.
I JUST LOOK AWAY AND TALK ABOUT
THE WEATHER.
YOU CAN TALK ABOUT THE WEATHER.
ISN'T IT A BEAUTIFUL DAY TODAY?
>> I NEVER THOUGHT I'D BE ABLE
TO SPEAK TO YOU.
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
MY FAMILY DOESN'T...
JOHN DOESN'T KNOW.
PLEASE DON'T...
PLEASE DON'T TELL HIM.
I'M NOT READY.
I'M SORRY.
>> PLEASE DON'T GO.
PLEASE DON'T GO.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT.
PLEASE, I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT.
I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT.
PLEASE DON'T GO.
I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT.
PLEASE DON'T GO!
I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT.
I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT, SARA.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.
I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT.
PLEASE, PLEASE.
DON'T GO.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND!
THAT WAS NOT NICE!
>> I DECIDED NOT TO CANCEL THE
FIELD TEST AFTER ALL.
I'M STILL IN CHARGE, YOU KNOW.
THOUGH YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T KNOW
THE FIRST THING ABOUT SCIENTIFIC
PROCEDURES.
ANYWAY, I STAYED.
THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR, SO
I'VE READ SOMEWHERE.
I'M GLAD YOU GOT RID OF THOSE
RIDICULOUS GLASSES.
>> YES. ME TOO.
NO MORE PRETENDING, OKAY?
>> OKAY.
RETARD.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT COULD BE
TAKING HIM SO LONG.
I MEAN, HE'S -- HE'S NEVER
USUALLY THIS LATE.
>> NO, NEVER.
>> DON'T WORRY.
HE KNOWS ALL THE BUS ROUTES.
>> I'D BE MORE WORRIED ABOUT
BRAD.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE SHOULD GET HIM A CELLPHONE.
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> RIGHT?
>> I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT. YEAH.
>> HE'S PROBABLY BEEN PROMOTED
TO C.E.O.
HE'S RE-ORGANIZING THE COMPANY
AS WE SPEAK.
RIGHT?
>> [ BREATHES DEEPLY ]
[ FOOTSTEPS APPROACH ]
LUKE.
COME IN. COME IN.
>> WHOA.
WHAT'S UP WITH THE NEW THREADS?
>> BRAD.
>> WHAT?
>> I THINK YOU LOOK COOL.
>> IT'S LATE. I KNOW.
AND I BROKE SOME OF THE HOUSE
RULES.
>> IT'S OKAY.
>> I'M SORRY.
>> HAVE A SEAT.
LUKE, I NEED TO TELL YOU
SOMETHING.
JONAS DIED THIS AFTERNOON.
WE'RE HAVING A SERVICE FOR HIM
TOMORROW.
>> THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME,
UNCLE PAUL.
>> WOULD YOU LIKE SOME DINNER?
I THINK MY MEAT LOAF CAME OUT
OKAY.
NO ONE GOT SICK, ANYWAY.
>> YES, I AM VERY HUNGRY.
[ UTENSILS CLANGING ]
DO I HAVE A BOOGER IN MY NOSE?
OR IS THERE SOMETHING IN MY
TEETH?
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
NO. YOU'RE OKAY, COUSIN.
>> MM.
>> ARE YOU SAD, LUKE?
>> GRANDPA WAS OLD...AND SICK.
AND HE MISSED MAGGIE VERY MUCH.
>> ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY?
>> I'M VERY TIRED.
BUT I AM HAPPY.
>> YOU ARE?
>> REALLY?
>> WHAT A STUPID QUESTION.
OF COURSE HE'S HAPPY.
JUST LOOK AT HIM.
>> [ SNIFFS ]
IS THAT BETTER, UNCLE PAUL?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU'RE A REAL SMART ASS, YOU
KNOW THAT?
>> YES. I AM A SMART ASS.
>> IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU HOME.
[ TELEPHONES RINGING ]
>> UH, JUST...BRING IT HERE.
>> ANGRY BETSY.
>> SO ZACK'S BEEN CANNED.
THE BIG BOSS IS WAITING FOR YOU
IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM.
GOOD LUCK, KID.
HURRY UP! GO!
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
>> COME IN.
EXCUSE US. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
WE'LL RECONVENE.
CLOSE THE DOOR, LUKE.
[ DOOR HINGES CREAK ]
HAVE A SEAT.
SO, LUKE, I'LL GET STRAIGHT TO
THE POINT.
>> I NEED A JOB, MR. Click&Easy.
I WILL BE A VERY GOOD WORKER.
I ALREADY KNOW HOW TO USE THE
POSTAGE METER AND MAKE COFFEE
AND FILE BULLSHIT REPORTS AND
DELIVER SNAIL MAIL.
ZACK SAYS I'M A VERY QUICK
LEARNER, AND I HAVEN'T LEARNED
COMPUTER SHIT YET.
I WISH I KNEW WHAT HAPPENED TO
ZACK, BUT PLEASE DON'T THROW ME
OUT.
I HAVEN'T ASKED MARIA OUT ON A
DATE YET.
>> ARE YOU DONE?
>> YES. I'M DONE.
>> LISTEN, ZACHARY'S ON HIS WAY
TO HEAD MY RESEARCH AND
DEVELOPMENT OFFICE, AND HE'S
GOING THERE BECAUSE OF YOU.
UM...
HE TOLD ME..."IF THAT IDIOT LUKE
CAN PULL WHAT HE DID, THEN I
DON'T SEE WHY I SHOULDN'T BE
ABLE TO ADAPT MY
SOCIAL-PATTERN-RECOGNITION
SOFTWARE TO BE WHORED INTO USE
AS A DIRECT MARKETING TOOL."
HE ALSO SAID I WAS TO GIVE YOU A
JOB.
AND IF I DIDN'T, HE'D SCREAM.
>> [ SIGHS ]
IT'S VERY ANNOYING WHEN ZACK
SCREAMS.
>> YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT.
SO, LUKE...WOULD YOU ACCEPT
BEING THE NEW OFFICIAL
Click&Easy OFFICE TRAINEE?
>> WOULD I LEARN COMPUTER SHIT
AS AN OFFICE TRAINEE?
>> OH, IT'S REQUIRED.
ZACHARY SAID SO.
>> YES, I ACCEPT.
>> GOOD.
THANK YOU.
>> DOES THIS MEAN I HAVE A PAID
JOB?
>> SOME PEOPLE CAN SCRATCH OUT
AN EXISTENCE ON WHAT YOU'LL BE
RECEIVING, BUT I'VE HEARD THE
BENEFITS ARE GREAT.
LUKE, GET TO WORK.
>> YES. THANK YOU.
[ DOOR HINGES CREAK ]
>> CINDY AND I MADE LOVE TODAY.
WE HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN OVER A
YEAR.
[ CHUCKLES ]
I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M TELLING YOU
ALL THIS.
BUT I AM.
>> IS IT NICE...TO SCREW?
>> YES.
IT'S VERY NICE.
>> [ SIGHS ]
>> LUKE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>> MARIA, I HAVE A JOB THAT PAYS
REAL MONEY AND GIVES BENEFITS.
AND AS YOU CAN TELL, I AM NOT
STARING AT YOUR BREASTS, BUT AT
YOUR BEAUTIFUL EYES.
I WOULD LIKE TO ASK YOU OUT ON A
DATE...WITH ME...TO A RESTAURANT
OR A MOVIE OR A BAR.
BUT I CAN'T DRINK ANY ALCOHOL
BECAUSE IT MAKES ME ACT SILLY.
DO YOU ACCEPT, MARIA?
>> UM, I'M GLAD YOU FINALLY GOT
THE JOB, LUKE.
AND I LIKE YOUR NEW HAIR.
>> THAT DOES NOT ANSWER MY
QUESTION.
>> I'M SORRY, LUKE.
>> SO, I CAN ASSUME YOU ARE
DECLINING MY OFFER, THEN, MARIA.
>> YES. SORRY.
>> MY RELATIVES TELL ME THAT I'M
QUITE A CATCH.
SO YOU'LL PROBABLY REGRET
THIS...
A LOT.
MM.
>> [ SIGHS ]
HEY.
THERE'S, UM -- THERE'S ALWAYS A
NEXT TIME, RIGHT?
>> YES. THERE IS.
AND ANGRY BETSY IS TEACHING ME
TO USE THE INTERNET.
THERE ARE 3.2 BILLION FEMALES ON
THIS PLANET.
I ONLY NEED TO FIND ONE.
>> THAT'S VERY TRUE.
[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]